thoughts at 1AM…dreams

the nature of dreams is bewildering to me.. too confound…

on one hand they’re what makes the human experience profound

on the other, they’re just fantasies running through your mind unbound ..

on one hand, life is what i make of it and on the other “yeah man its probably not gonna work out”…

….i dream of being happy. not rich …not bountifully lucky but just happy all round..

…but that voice ..(yes, again with the damn voice) reminds me that “in a universe brimming with the smarter …the prettier…the ‘better‘…the harder working and the more deserving and the less languorous and the go getters and the extra extra optimistic and the overall polished throughout who also dream to be happy, why the hell would you stand out?”

…as if ‘happy’ were a finite pie exclusively reserved for the V.I.P’s whom to get a sliver or crumb you must work to surmount before this finite pie of ‘happy’ can be handed out

…dreams…. sometimes i feel earthbound…

…like, if i’m not here to be happy and i’m not here be the V.I.P deserving of the ‘pie of happy, then i was born to die.. born to be endlessly disappointed and denied of my dream until the day of my ultimate time out.

… i really wanna be happy.

…i really wanna look in the mirror and see ME and be happy !

…it seems like that is just a fantasy …. way beyond my own ability

…my friend once told me that ‘happy’ is a trap in this society which is seemingly engulfed by social media depictions of perfect people and anxiety

…that ‘happy’ is a human emotion like sad and angry but to feel it sometimes and not feel it other times is part of reality

…that the ‘happy’ of others for seemingly long periods of time when i don’t feel my own happy does not mean i’m nobody

…that the fact that i don’t feel happy sometimes is just part of my humanity

…my friend implied that ‘happy’ isn’t a pie… that ‘happy’ isn’t a being who is separate from me, for i cannot become ‘happy’ because I am Andile and that is my identity

…that ‘happy’ is what i will feel sometimes and not feel other times because this is life’s trajectory.

…so what if i haven’t felt this ‘human emotion’ happy in a while?

…what if for too long now, life has been feeling hostile

…all my chores and responsibility are all in some sort of pile

…in the corner of my house and the centre or my mind

…so what then, if ‘happy’ doesn’t come to me as often as she goes to others?

…what then?

…so i have this dream …. and it’s that one day i will be happy.

…not rich…not bountifully lucky…just authentically and refreshingly happy.

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