2AM thoughts…

God i’m bored. I feel so empty yet too full within.

I feel so bored yet too overwhelmed…

i feel so busy yet life feels so stationary !

my motherhood duties resumed today. the thought that everything has to go back to being systematic after a whole week’s break (on bedrest but still, rest) terrifies me.

…because i know that i spend a lot of my time as a mum and raising my child but feeling awful the whole time. Feeling like i’m just flopping and ruining everything.

…part of me feels like this deep depression that comes to me when i think about being a mum is because i can’t run off anywhere or avoid this feeling. I could do everything by the book but there comes a time in a day where i just think “thats it…. you’re definitely messing EVERYTHING up”

… i rely on my boyfriend for affirmations like the kardashians on black culture. like a flea on a dog… like gossip on twitter… i rely on him to remind me that i’m doing ok… and its a lot… i wanna lie to myself and talk about this journey to being a strong, independent black woman but… this hollowness that comes from feeling like i suck at everything isn’t one i can muster…

…i can’t even write about how wonderful of a child she is because i’ll cry and i just can’t.

…i have a migraine and a 7AM start to my day.

…i have trouble sleeping.