My Journey #1

The thing about being a single mother is that most of us don’t want to be a single mother. Don’t get me wrong, motherhood is a blessing and once tasted, can never, for most of us, be given up – at least not without a fight or a future filled with pain and bitterness. No, i mean that most of us don’t go into this wanting to endure this unpredictable emotionally and physically draining but learning journey on our own. Or am i speaking for myself here?

I was 16 when i first had my daughter. And in love. I wasn’t so naive as to believe it natural to have a child so young… but i was in love… I had a plan. I would finish school, go to college and eventually university or camp America, and leave that crazy woman forever. God had another plan. Oh, and i was in love. And what could be more loving and romantic than forming a person with the person you adore?

Do you remember your first love? What does “first love” mean to you. Is it real and authentic love or is it part of the growing process that all teenagers go through.

He was 18 with a smooth tongue. So charming, he had the ability or awesome skill to sell you a lie and have you believe it gospel. Charm so absolute, that the world could fall at his feet in servitude, heaving him to a life of great wealth and all he desired without him ever having to lift a finger. He could do no wrong in my eyes. i’m very much aware that I am being dramatic but my 15 year old eyes and heart reasoned this way when it came to him.

Above everything, (what’s above cheating, physical fights, emotional abuse, gaslighting, stealing, lying, manipulation, stealing, lying, lying, lying and more f**king lying) we were gonna be a happy family and rainbows with no rain would bless our days and by God we were going to be an example for everyone that you can have it all forever. And it all started with me having this baby. He would be mine forever.

i’m laughing madly right now. Isn’t teenagehood naivety just hilarious?!

…so i’ve been a single mum now for…years and years… and for the most part, i prefer it this way. The emotional weight of being responsible for a person who is wholly dependant on you is….HUGE. Having a sh*t mother myself, it became…becomes.. a constant effort to ‘not be like them’. Maybe some single mums will understand – do you constantly feel guilty about every single thing you do or don’t do? For example, personally, i hate going to the park. I don’t particularly enjoy it and i know its not supposed to be for me but i just don’t like parks. I feel guilty about this every single day of my life. no exaggeration. Any small mistake i make (and i have made many through all my efforts to be fantastic mummy) is followed with seemingly centuries of guilt and urges to just give up because i am quite clearly f*cking it all up.

I’m quite strict. I’ve been in non-stop education since 18 (23 now) and i have 2 more years left of university. A mental breakdown i had last year that led me to the verge of almost losing everything required me to be strict. With myself, my daughter, my life – so that things get done. Being a single mother means that mum parents one way and dad (dad? other person) parents another way. Where i say “no TV till homework is done”, they say “TV and homework when you feel like it. Mummy shouldn’t make you do it if you don’t want to”. Where i say “read one book a day” they say “you don’t have to do it if you don’t feel like it. Mummy shouldn’t make you do it if you don’t want to”. Where i say don’t do that” they say “do it if you want to”. Cooperation is non-existant. Imagine raising an upstanding child with someone who constantly undermines you to your child.

…since being a mother, i yearn for a day where i just do nothing.

Children want a family. Some have told me “your child only needs you” but it doesn’t stop the guilt of knowing that your child has only one person fighting their corner.

Being a single mother means getting used to being the bad guy, no matter what. “My daddy says you said i’m not allowed to see him”. Silence. I suppose a lifetime of resenting me for that, by my own reasoning, is better than me telling my child that sometimes he just doesn’t show up.

Being a single mother means that your only intense trigger is your child. Any person that you feel disadvantages your child in any way can expect to get it – whatever it is.

Where was i (there is a reason why i chose the slogan ‘streams of consiousness’) …….he just doesn’t show up. I’m always quick to jump on that whatsapp (usually blocked) call (block) FINE THEN EMAIL… to tell him to never show his face again if he’s not going to give my child.. MY CHILD… consistency. He’s quiet for 3 months … New Email… “Please let me see her i’ll do better i promise”… (Smooth tongue.. like a snake) At this point there’s nothing i want more than support with parenting and a father for my child. “Fine… but this time you better come through. I’ll even make a time table showing when you’re coming and how long you are having her for. IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU? “Yes. i just want to see her”. 1 month goes by. Doesn’t show up…. im triggered. Quick, to whatsapp (im blocked)…. Mobile …. (Im blocked)…. cant call… FINE THEN EMAIL….. to tell him to never show his face again if he’s not going to give my child.. MY CHILD… consistency… He’s quiet for 2 months..New message…. “Pleaslet me see her i’ll do betr i promise” (He can’t spell sometimes). “You better promise you will be consistent because if you are not, i swear to you you are never coming back. THE CHILD NEEDS CONSISTENCY”……

She turned 3…. Waited at the door with her little suitcase and lelli kelly’s for her daddy but daddy never came. TRIGGERED. Whatsapp (blocked.) Calls (blocked)…. FINE THEN EMAILLLLLLLLLLLLLL…. you get the pattern? Shes 6 now and not a thing changed.

Being a single mother means making decisions that you feel will protect your child in the long run even though there is a strong chance they will resent you for it in the future. The thing about being a single mother is that most of us don’t want to be a single mother.

..don’t even tell me about CMS. i don’t want to hear it.

The guilt wanes, at best, of the intense desire to give my child a family but not being in complete control of that at all. 3 failed relationships (no regrets there)…. completely unable to provide that.

BUT LISTEN

Being a single mother means trying when you feel that you can’t try anymore. Being unable to take one more step but figuring out how to take one more step regardless. It means getting up when you don’t want to and getting on with it when you just want to have a good ole wallow. Being a single mother means watching a fantastic human grow and feeling a tinge of gratification that maybe you’re doing alright after all. Being a single mother, dear people, means CONSTANT MOTIVATION. Because i’ve met people who stopped. I’ve met people who stood still when they couldn’t take any more steps. I’ve met people who stayed in bed because they just didn’t want to get up and they’re still in bed today. I’ve met people who have simply stopped trying. And here i am, against odds i have made up in my own head, constantly moving forward NO MATTER WHAT. Its so hard because failure is not option when you’re a single mother no matter what ! But how ridiculous is it to think “I just wish i could fail”.