My Journey #2

It’s not domestic abuse if you refuse to be beaten, right? Its not domestic abuse if they spit on your face and you spit back they sit on your chest and you bite them they kick your head and you go at it with fists flying blindly tears streaming ferociously insults hurling continuously screams ringing piercingly whatever they threw pick it up and throw it back and spit back kick back and …

Its not domestic abuse – merely just a little bit of violence , no…. passion….and what couple doesn’t argue? What couple doesn’t call me a b*tch and burn me with “crazy just like your mother” and you’re damaged goods” and “even your daughter will see how crazy you are” and “what other man do you know who will accept a single mother” and “my family took you in because you have no one wait until I tell them what you are” and …

Every couple goes through it. Just harmless fighting and god I hope I don’t lose this baby ... “how did you come to bleed from below” I’m a bit clumsy nowadays nurse, I fellbecause I know he didn’t mean it and it was just fighting and you see, it’s passion and if you don’t have that then I feel sorry for you.

F***ing hell it hurts to breastfeed , you didn’t have to punch my breast you know, you silly goose, ha ha ha ha ha

Instagram post – ‘my little family. I thank god for his blessings’

It’s not domestic abuse when they push your head and push your head and push your head and push your head and you snap right back and you throw with all your might “I swear to God I’ll kill you if you touch me again” and they touch you again so you try (and fail) a drop kick but you don’t know what a drop kick is but it was worth it while the idea was fresh now fresh blood is running from your eye and they’re staring at you as you scream like a maniac… “you’re pathetic”. It’s not domestic abuse because remember that time you hit them first? Your adrenaline compelled you to dare to believe you can match male testosterone and you went for it (and failed) but I didn’t fail though because….

“You’re leaving us? How could you I’m the mother of your child…./ how could you, I am a good woman to you…/ how could you AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU?”

It’s not domestic abuse because I love you. And you love me you know you love me. See? I’m not limping I’m fine. The breast will heal it’s fine. The baby is okay, we’re fine. This is just what happens in relationships, please stay.

I’m so weak and dependant for a ‘strong independent woman’.

But it’s not domestic abuse. It wasn’t. Because I’ve seen pictures of domestic abuse and she never fights back. He says he could never hit her or him or them, back. They’re black and blue and scratched to shreds and once I even saw a woman with an iron burn mark on her face and they never hit back or they tried to hit back and it got worse but it wasn’t domestic abuse for me because I failed and kept fighting and on some level I deserved it so they were only defending themselves and I ALWAYS HIT BACK even if it’s eventually. So it’s not domestic abuse, right?

Argos metal is weak ! A bathroom cabinet could not withstand my weight when I was thrashed atop it on that one night and really, it’s damaged. It’s all bent and broken and useless and I’m more angry about the £21 I spent on it but I can’t throw it away because of the courage it gave me to throw away this ‘not abusive relationship’.

“We can still be a family. I promise I won’t provoke you. Please don’t tell your family all I want is a family – my daughter deserves a family. She’s 5 She’ll remember you I don’t want her to lose a father figure what can I do I can be better if you promise you won’t hit me…. if you promise we will never fight again please ”

What do you mean you’re leaving me? AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU?! I had this child for you and for 2 years I’ve endured your shit and now you’re going to leave me with thousands of debt and huge respons……hit me again and I swear I’ll kill you”

wrath. Is it domestic abuse when at last, absolute wrath runs and writhes through your veins and your body and you’re ready to end it…them. There’s a baseball bat in the wardrobe. There’s that knife in the kitchen……. you don’t remember the sound but everything is breaking and broken. “OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE”.

it’s not domestic abuse because they arrested you first. They arrived the day you finally became his match and probably more and it’s you that was in handcuffs and you’re being escorted off the premises in handcuffs and one shoe and I feel the eyes of the neighbours in the peep holes and oh my God I’m leaving my 2 year old child with that MANIAC.

If you’re a woman and you want to report domestic abuse….not abuse….. to male officers, you better not do it if you’ve hit them back because do you really think they’re gonna believe you?

Please let me go home I have to be with my child.You’re not going back until you admit what you’ve done I’m sorry officer I admit I was angry but I swear he assaulted me first and I lost my temper in a way I’d never done before because it wasn’t the first time officer please let me go that’s not what he’s saying I DONT CARE WHAT HES SAYING WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET OUT we’re not letting you go until you admit what you’ve done.

15 hours in a cell feels like 8 centuries if you’re there for the first time. God works in mysterious ways because I hope you know that 15 hours and a record is nothing compared to 25 years and 6 by 8 confinement. Did they arrive late or did they save you from a lifetime of regret?

Its not domestic abuse because each time was the last time i swear. I’m so sorry it had to get to that Andile i love you so much i need you and our child in my life… each time was the last time.

Reader. Readers. This is different men but one experience. The outcome was the same the reasoning was the same and the more i become sure of myself the more i can see that this was one man in different stages of my life.

…but it wasn’t domestic abuse. I have no idea what ‘domestic abuse’ is. right?

2 thoughts on “My Journey #2

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