expectations …

im exhausted.

i can’t be who i’m expected to be

i can’t feel what they expect me to feel…

sometimes i will resent this face that the world so ardently tells me i shouldn’t because its acceptable enough …

other times i will want to allow the mountain of pressure that is motherhood and maintaining friendships and maintaining relationships and mantaining grades to crush me to dust or longed-for irrelevance …

sometimes i will feel overwhelmed… i will be sitting on my floor in my house in my room in that corner i find so relevant to my emptiness … having no responsibilities and having no errands… having no demands and having no liabilities or answerabilities or mountains of pressure from motherhood and maintaining friendships and maintaining relationships not bringing me to my knees… and i will still feel overwhelmed…

the sun will be shining brightly outside and i would feel its rays trying to love me and to…yes…coerce a smile out of me but i will still shiver from the impossible storm that brews within me and curse the sun for interrupting this pain that i know i deserve or maybe it feels more like home to me…

i can’t be who they expect me to be…

i’m not a perfect mum a perfect friend a perfect partner a perfect sister a perfect student a perfect person….

i can’t feel the way they expect me to feel…

theres food in my fridge while others are starving… my child is fantastic while some people are infertile… i have my health while others are dying… i have a roof over my head while others are homeless… i have an education while others are deprived of it… i am free while others are enslaved…

I CAN’T FEEL HOW YOU EXPECT ME TO FEEL !

i cannot feel how i am expected to feel. the misfortunes of others are not a reason for me to force myself to be happy or hate myself for feeling sadness.

i’m exhausted.

One thought on “expectations …

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create your website at WordPress.com
Get started
%d bloggers like this: