My Journey #6

..you hate your toes…….they’ve never looked right. Jagged and rugged and facing the wrong way and too long but not straight and the big one is not square enough and if the world saw them they would laugh at you and protest against you and reject you and eventually kill you because your toes are just so godamn disgusting !?

…you hate your boobs. They drag you down front first and thats why you walk…. no, trudge ….with a forward lean like a hunchback….they look all wrong and flap all wrong and do their sexual job all wrong and just droop on your stomach, satisfied with themselves and uncaring of you and your feelings and your pain because of them and do they know that if the world saw them they would laugh at you and protest against you and reject you and eventually kill you because your boobs are just so godamn pathetic !?

….and those unsightly stretch marks! Unwanted intrusions on your body -zig zagging self righteously across your stomach and your bum and the backs of your knees and is that even normal?! They drown you… Like tattoos they cling to your every part of skin and you are now certain that you are so consumed by these demonic scratches from pregnancy and fatness that the only word you can think to describe yourself is “ruined”…..resting underneath your clothes so inconsiderately, do they know that if the world saw them they would laugh at you and protest against you and reject you and eventually kill you because your stretch marks are so godamn repulsive !?

…you hate your bum……what bum? Is it god or is it nature or is it science that you do not possess the bum that the whole world knows a black woman needs to be deemed even a a little bit worthy of …whatever prize it is that the big bummed black babe can unlock with the correctly sized derriere …. yours brings no joy to no man and looks like a pancake…no, a crépe… and its obvious that the man who says he loves you or loves it hasn’t thoroughly ventured in that region with both his hands and his eyes to confirm that, indeed, it is empty territory….and if he says he loves it he is lying to you because what is there to love? planted there, just barely existing, does it know that if the world saw it they would laugh at you and protest against you and reject you and eventually kill you because your bum is so godamn….small. !?

…you hate your hair…..so weak yet so rough yet so wispy yet….lacking in the luster that everybody in the world knows you need in order to qualify as worthy of God’s attention at the gates of Pearl on that day….so useless as it ‘protects’ a mind…a mind that you also hate, a mind unworthy of protection with the depressing songs it sings, the boring stories in brings and the not high enough grades it produces and the ungrateful thoughts of motherhood and wifehood and life in general it generates and … your mind is not as good as other minds and your words are not as inspiring as other words and your thoughts are not as interesting as other thoughts and the world knows this or they will if you continue with these scrabblings and babblings and godamn ramblings and they will be sure to laugh at you and protest against you and reject you and eventually kill you.

…its hard to believe sometimes that a body and a mind so detestable and imperfect and unworthy of existing, has gained friends, brought a child into the world, received love and acceptance, inspired people with its words, regardless of its unworthiness, and made it so far in life…

…perhaps the world hasn’t yet seen how detestable it truly is. When they do, they shall surely laugh at you , protest against you, reject you and eventually kill you.