My Journey #7

2007. I’m 10. The air is so much more ‘strange’ in this strange bird of the sky. I’m expressing my joy in words and laughter but for some reason i can’t hear myself talk so i talk louder. “Wena…. sung’yangisa (you are embarrassing me)” she says, nudging at my stomach in a strange way for a woman i’d just met. “Why are you behaving like a village girl.. everyone is staring at us.”

2008. I’m 11. My first day at primary school in this ‘England’ i have heard so much about. “Why are you chewing like that? Do you want to embarrass me? Everyone will laugh at you”

2009. I’m 12. The biggest difference i noticed about being in England as opposed to Africa, is the lack of freedom that children have. Full days of gallivanting and childhood adventures replaced will longer days of isolation and days indoors. A kid gains weight, coming into a life like that. “look how fat you’re getting. Everyone can see that you eat too much. You’re starting to look fatter than most adults”.

2010. I’m 13. I feel trapped in this England. As a child i am more emotional, more withdrawn, more unhappy in a place called home. Out in public with her, i would be ridiculed about my weight…my desires…the way i walked…my interests… I always ended up in tears. “Embarrassment of a child. I will never take you anywhere again. Look at you, looking stupid, crying in public. NO don’t talk to her. let her cry. i will deal with her at home“

Painful anticipation drowned my day in any occasion that had to involve her. Parents evenings.. Netball games… Progress meetings… Supervised pupil events… Anything… Anxiety wasn’t yet a word to me in my early years but i felt it.

2011. I am 14. now 7 stone and still too fat. 32AA.. “how can a child have saggy boobs like you”... “Everyone knows what you do. Whoring yourself to old men, i know you… what did i ever do to deserve a child like you?“

Why am i so horrible? Why do my breasts look so disgusting? WHY CAN’T I LOSE ANY MORE WEIGHT?! Nobody likes me. Everybody thinks i’m horrible. Everybody thinks i’m rude. What boys will ever like me? Maybe i am horrible as she says. Maybe i’m a terrible child to have.

..…Andile she was crying. How can you do that to your own…..her…. How can you text her threatening to kill her with rat poison? How can you speak so ill of her after all she has suffered for you? Andile i am talking to you now because she is at her wits end. You have caused her to have depression.

What? She‘s had my phone for 4 weeks now. I lost my house key so she grounded me for 4 weeks and took my phone. FORGET TO COOK DINNER? I better forget that phone for 4 weeks. SLEEP TOO LATE? Phone….4 weeks… BREATH??? “yea..give me that phone. You are grounded for 4 weeks”..

…but how can i send a text like that to somebody i fear?

Hello my name is Martha and I will be your social worker. Your…..she… has approached us because you have been difficult and we want to help you guys to work together

Andile we, the church, have heard from your…she… how off the rails you have gotten. Your….she… is in tears every day because of you. Her depression is because of you… You need to seek God and ask for forgiveness for all you have put your….she… through.

What is gaslighting?

Confusion. I have no memory of my difficultness. I have no memory of this rat-poison threat… What is happening. Am i doing these things without memory of them? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!

Why are my boobs so small and saggy? … but when did i say i’d kill her with rat poison? Your …she…. is trying HER VERY BEST WITH YOU. Why are you treating her like this.

“What is wrong with you? How can you embarrass me like that? stealing things from your own step father… YOU ARE THE REASON FOR OUR DIVORCE”

dare i react? “I NEVER STOLE ANYTHING.” I dodge a deodorant bottle flying towards my head. “i wish i had an abortion… GET OUT, NOW.

2012..I’m 15..i’m leaving and i’m never coming back ! Where can i stay? Backpack backed and packed with essentials ! Blackberry charger, eyebrow pencil, maths homework and favourite shoes …. creepers….

text… “I hope you know i have reported you missing to the police. You better tell whoever you are with that the police will arrest them for kidnapping”

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I have had what i now understand to be anxiety and depression for many years now, but i attribute it to the way my life was when i came to England. The journey to understanding why i think the way that i think, why i am paranoid about everything including feelings such as people hating me or everybody anticipating my failure and yes, looking to kill me, has been long.

I constantly felt….still feel like i’m not good enough. I can’t shake the voice in my head that constantly tells me lies about myself and how others see me. My critical inner voice is constant, and at times will convince that i might have done something (that i didn’t even do) to make people resent me or hate me. i hide this paranoia and fear under an i don’t care mask but i do. She’s a woman and has the voice and hate in her tone that a certain woman did in my childhood. She, my inner voice, is a liar and i know this… but it doesn’t dilute my anxiety.

It’s a journey for me. I’m mentally getting stronger now and am able to challenge these lies in my mind. Occasionally, memories from my childhood will randomly enter my mind and confuse my path to self acceptance, and upset me or anger me but i’m trying to overcome that. It’s a journey….but i know i’ll get there.